On the thesis, one may have doubt since not all the memories are sweet. But I insist that even the bad ones can offer help. For instance, during my winter vacation in Junior, I lost a cell phone that I had used for more than two years. That was the day before the Spring Festival, the most important festival for reunion in China. I was in a good mood at that time because I was going to shoot some photos with my aunt. There were many people in the store. 3I felt a little crowded. It was the time when we were choosing the frames that my cell phone was stolen. Too late did I realize the unfortunate fact. (營造記憶)
Afterwards, whenever I was in public, I paid extra attention to my personal possession such as my purse and mp4. Therefore, I havent lost any other things till now. I learned to be extremely careful from the horrible memory. (營造收穫)
分析：
1 during強調延續性，in強調一段時間裏發生了一件事。所以此處應該改成in.
2 文章採取倒敘手法，所以在2處感覺有一點奇怪，剛剛還是東西被盜，後來心情又好了。
3 不能是你覺得擠，只能是that place was a little crowded
4 文章的深刻度不夠，處於4-5分的水平，要拿更好的分數，還得在深刻性上下功夫。個人例子特別適合以情動人。
修改：
In my winter vacation in Junior, I went to shoot some photos with my aunt since the most important festival in China, namely, the Spring Festival was approaching. But the photo studio was full of people choosing clothes and making up. It was in such disorder that I lost my cell phone which I had used for two years. This unhappy event almost ruined my once-in-a-year celebration for I could hardly contact my friends and my teachers to have a get-together because I had never backed up their phone numbers before. (營造悲慘記憶)
